I'm just not sure...
I've been feeling heartbroken the past week as our 2019 pageant nears. It could be pageant-related, or it could be because we just got 9 inches of snow - on March 9th. People who don't know North Dakota might think that's normal, but it is certainly not! Or, it's maybe not totally out of the question, but the fact that it was piled on top of the other 40 inches we've gotten this winter that had yet to melt because the temperature hasn't been above freezing in 800 days, or something (that might be an exaggeration).
But I am heartbroken.
I am sad to give up my own title, yes. But, there are more titles and more systems, and Mrs. North Dakota 2019 is going to be a wonderful representative of our state. I am sad to say good-bye to my 2018 sisters, but I will continue to see them - just not as Miss Earth USA titleholders. Now, they will be friends, and that's okay too!
I am heartbroken still.
I am sad and a little angry. My pageant system isn't growing how I'd hoped it would, and I'm not sure what to do with that. I did not go into directing for it to become my full-time job. However, I can't continue to lose money the way I do (like, enough to have bought a pretty decent car) trying to put something together.
I am angry that I spent three years with a greedy system that didn't care as much about their titleholders as they did about making money off of directors, and that is what started the debt. Now, I'm with a system that is a TRUE sisterhood that actually cares about making a difference, that is run by strong and powerful women to improve the lives of women and and help the environment, and I'm so sad that I can't get people as excited about it as I am.
I am sad that I have a passion that goes unnoticed. If it is noticed, it is not shared. I am passionate about the environment, I am passionate about making a difference, and I am passionate about the positive impact of pageants! But I am heartbroken that I can't get others on board.
I am going to keep trying. I don't know for how long... And right now, I am probably just feeling extra sorry for myself because I will have to go shovel later on today. I will keep praying to God that something will eventually come together! And it will. I just have to keep believing.